Lost in my own head and heart.

{The ultimate betrayal- Part 2

After reading the history of their messages to each other, as well as seeing the pictures e-mailed to each other, I sent a few of the texts with her user name for yahoo and her email address as well as a picture of her to my own email account from his phone. Included was a message and picture my husband had sent to her. At the time, I justified the invasion on his privacy by telling my self, he would not have locked his phone if there was not something to hide. I sent the info to my phone for when I confronted him, in case he tried to deny any of it.

When I confronted him about it, he was just getting out of the shower and coming up the stairs to get dressed. I had just read new messages they had wrote to each other while I was asleep and he was laying next to me. The content consisted of her asking all kinds of random questions, about favorite things. My husbands answers were not “him” or not how he would normally answer. I found this odd. It was almost as if he was blowing her off. As he came up the stairs I was on my way down, so angry I was shaking. I could hear my heart beat in my head and feel it in my hands. Everything went numb.

At first he asked what was wrong, I said nothing and tried to move past him. He is a 6’2 Marine. There is no way that was going to happen. He asked again, and I said “Your girlfriend.” and so it began.

When I brought it up that he had been talking to her for 5 months, he looked puzzled. I went to his phone and accessed the messages, he said stop and tried to reach out and take the phone, but I pulled away and said I deserve to read this! He said fine, go ahead.

When I opened it, I had accessed an email that i had not yet read. Apparently, he either realized I knew something, or was just feeling bad about it all (FINALLY) The email was from him, to her..explaining that he did not want to hurt her at all, but, Before he deployed, he got married because he was not sure he was coming back. It was a mistake. We have had our issues and worked out most of them. He also said he was so sorry he could not be what she wanted him to be. He hated his life here, living with my parents.

I could not catch my breath. I did not yell or scream. I stayed very rational, and asked what the hell he was thinking? If he wanted out of this relationship, this marriage, I would give him that. A clean break. He would not have to do anything other than pack up and go.

He said he was here because he wanted to be here. He felt that I was pushing him away and I was too busy for him. (So, naturally, instead of talking to me about it, he would seek out some online chick, nice.) He did say that if I read the messages in order I would see that she prusued him, and that she always started the convorsation and asked wuestions. That most of the time, he did not even resopnd. To which I said, unless I was asleep and he was bored.

He was embarrassed, humiliated and depressed. (He does have a Traumatic Brain Injury, from repeated concussions sustained when he was deployed to Afghanistan. He also is on an oddly strong dose of Ambien, to help him sleep. When he does sleep, he occasionally has nightmares) He has not been taking his antidepressant, or any of his other medications. He forgets, with the short term memory loss. Being on an antidepressant my self, I know how this can effect someone who doesn’t have PTSD.. I feel like I am making excuses for him. However, that is not what I am trying to get at here, I am just trying to give you some background info.

I was still irate, and going down the list of things it is NOT ok to do when you are married, like talk to some girl at all hours of the night, for an extended period of time. Not OK to give out your number to some random chick online. And so on and so forth.

He said that I had every right to be angry, all he could say is he was sorry. It wouldn’t happen again. Ever. She meant nothing to him. He would remove her from his phone and email contacts, all pictures and would try to get her out of the group on his game. ( I know that he has several characters with different names on each. so I do secretly wonder if she just changed characters and they are still inline, but they do not talk. Or at least when I am around they don’t. because I come up behind him and will read what is posted in the chat box. I also check the phone when he is not looking, however, he again has a lock on it, which I don’t understand. We never locked our phones before.

Am I wrong to think that his phone should not be locked? This is not a horrible request. I would unlock mine, If he unlocked his. I told him. (I began locking mine when I realized that he was doing it to his phone. Childish, I know. I felt powerless, like i had to do something.

Than we talked more, I decided it was something that I could get past, because it was not physical. Somehow, it was different. Not totally cheating, like emotionally cheating. He described it as like a fantasy play thing. They were never going to really meet up. He felt alone, depressed and sad (again, not taking his meds.) This was like an escape from reality.OK, I understand that. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

We have tried to go on with our life. Luckily, we were alone for 4 days, due to family vacations. We spent that time together,laughing, loving, being silly and just being “us”. I am terrified now, that everything is going back to normal, that he is once again going to feel like he did, and go back to it. He swears he won’t, but I cannot trust him. I told him this, and all he said was “ok, then don’t” – wtf does this even mean?! He wants to be with me, but don’t trust him?

Today, he was taking a nap on the couch, and his phone alarm went off. I went over like I always do, to shut it off, with out picking it up, just did the swipe thing. It was on the back of the couch, so I had to reach over him. I was startled when my sleeping husband grabbed my arm, gently, but had a pissed look on his still asleep face. He then opened his eyes, confused then smiled. I said what the hell? (half) joking. He smiled and caressed my arm, rolled over and went back to sleep. Not sure what that was about, if it was him thinking that I was going into his phone, or if he was dreaming…

I am hurting so very deeply. At the verge of tears at every moment. I have no idea how we are going to make this work. All over some stupid chick on WoW.

The bitch of it is, is that I have her email address and name, I accessed her face book and saw that she was too married. He husband is beautiful, and has some of the same features as my husband. Tall, strong, blonde, blue eyed. Into motorcycles and guns. I have his email address too. I wrote them a joint email that I was going to send to him first, then wait a week, so he could do with the info what he wanted (access her phone, or call the phone company and get a print out of her txt messages.) I asked my husband yesterday, if he swore to me that he would never speak to her again. He kind of got irritated, and said yes, I told you that. I told him to check himself, that I had every right to be pissed. I said that if he could hold true to that, I won’t send her husband the email. He said nothing. I am at a loss now. I just don’t know. I love him, I love our life. I want him to be happy. With or with out me. My boys deserve better than this. So do I.

I began this blog, as I have said, it is something I have always wanted to do. It is cathartic, to write everything out. I am hoping for feed back, stories advice, anything..so feel free, men and women to chime in!

Here is a brief discription of cheating, and what it means to others. from a different point of view..

Vejps86's Blog

What is cheating to you? For some people it means different things. When do you cross the line? Is it only when you have sex with someone you cheat on your partner? Is it a kiss, or it could be the nasty thoughts you’re having about the hot neighbor?

What do you qualify as cheating???

What is cheating: definition on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheating

Cheating is an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one’s own interest, and often at the expense of others. Cheating implies the breaking of rules. The term “cheating” is less applicable to the breaking of laws, as illegal activities are referred to by specific legal terminology such as fraud or corruption. Cheating is a primordial economic act: getting more for less, often used when referring to marital infidelity.

With regard to human relationships, couples tend to expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating…

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The ultimate betrayal

I found out my husband was having an online affair. yup. I just went there.

  I was (and I still am) irrate! I flipped out on him, I wrote her an email,(didn’t send it, yet. I confronted him 3 days ago. )  I searched her online, found her webpage, (she was prettier that I thought she would be. )  Then found a very valuable peice of info. She is married as well. AND, I know her husbands name, what he looks like (a total hottie! this chick is insane.) and his e-mail address. I went ahead and revised the e-mail I have written to her, to both of them. I am now holding on to it in 3 different places,(just in case.) (is that stalkerish?)

 My husband swears that it was “nothing more than a boost to his self-esteem,” she “gave him something to do at night when he has insomnia.”.(every night since he has been back from the war.) Now, for me, I see right through this BS. I know him, and how he was before the war and how he is now. I know he is suffering from PTSD, and has a traumatic brain injury, however, this does not give him the right to seek out some other woman (they met on an online game that he plays, where you can “vent” or “whisper” (-gag-) to other players. As I am sure you can guess, they choose to “whisper“. From there it went to exchanging screen names on Yahoo chat, (we all know nothing good ever comes from yahoo chat!) Then to e-mailing (for picture exchange of course) and then finally, to text messaging.

  I had started to get concerened when he stoped taking his sleeping medicine and his anti-depressant at “normal-ish” bed time. He started to stay up until 5 in the morning, then taking the sleeping medicine,sleeping through the day, waking at 5-6 for dinner and continuing to stay up all night. Unbeknownst to me, this is when they were spending all of their time together. I also thought it was weird that he would put the “vent” and “wisper” chat options on his iPhone. Did he really love the game that much? Whatever makes him happy, I so foolishly thought. The real shocker came, after the day I picked up his phone to bring it to him, it was going off, saying there was a text message, As I began to descend one of the 2 flights of stairs, I accessed his phone. However, he had locked it. Odd I thought, maybe from our boys, so they don’t mess up his settings like they do to mine. So I punched in the number I knew so well, expecting to get a message from my mother in law, asking why we have not been there in so long, and No. It was from a girl. Flirting and asking “if he got enough sleep, sleepy head.”  Followed by a pic. Not a dirty pic, but a head shot. A woman with features not un like my own, appeared. I dove deeper in to his phone and what I found, I have not been able to get out of my mind. I am so deeply hurt remembering this all.. I will continue tomorrow.